how to survive a breakup
a guide on getting & growing through it
There’s nothing quite as disorienting as a breakup.
One day, you’re living your sweet, peaceful little life, where getting a blonde streak in your bangs is the biggest fathomable change on the horizon; the next, you’re waking up in a cold sweat, blonde streaks are out, your boyfriend “doesn’t love you anymore,” and your life plan goes flying out the window.
Around this time last year, I found myself entering my third month post-big-breakup. The first few weeks were a whirlwind of emotions, marked by extreme emotional whiplash—realizing the finality of it all, questioning everything we’d been through, and wondering, “Was it ever even real?”
In the initial conversation that led to our split, my ex and I took the time to ask eachother questions we’d both been pondering for months prior. Were the issues plaguing our relationship repairable? Would the pain of splitting up outweigh the struggles of staying together? Could, in theory, two people who have absolutely no business being in love put the troubles aside, grit their teeth, and Make It Work?
Ultimately, we left the conversation ready to ask a question we hadn’t yet dared in our three years together: Would we be better off apart?
My friend Candice is currently going through a split with her partner of seven years and sent me a message the other day asking, “Did you cry every day? Or did you try to heal immediately after?”
To get perspective on how I grow as the seasons change, I often turn to the pages of my old journals. It grounds me to be able to say: I was there, and now I’m here. Still me. Still feeling. Still growing. Still dumb as hell. Both my past self and current forever in lockstep towards an unknowable future. (Scary, but somehow comforting!)
Looking back through the entries that documented how it all went down, it’s clear I was doing my best to heal *while* crying every day. I’m not so sure you can have one without the other.
I’ve found that regardless of the circumstances or any very good reasons surrounding a breakup, there is always an upheaval of grief and pain that demands processing. I wish I could tell you there’s an easy way out, some magic regimen to follow to help you get through it with infallible grace and perseverance. But try as I may to escape the heartache, it’s always found me, no matter the method, substance, or denial I’ve drowned it in.
That all being said, having an idea of who you want to become through all the turmoil, ugly crying, and hate-stalking your ex’s ex can, at least, guide you toward a future that feels a little…less bleak. Turns out that even just a small sliver of hope is quite helpful in persisting through life’s many horrors!
So, to anyone out there navigating the shitstorm of a breakup, I offer the following wisdom, forged from the deepest wells of my own experience with the matter (which qualifies one as an expert, right?):
Take the time to understand exactly why the relationship had to end.
I’m talking multiple quiet moments with just you, the messy memories, and your journal. If you don’t have a journal, get one—quick.
Reflect on what didn’t work and why. Write about the dynamics you never again want to be a part of. This is about understanding what you fundamentally need in a relationship moving forward and the mistakes not worth repeating.
Figure out what the hell it is you want in a partner.
Let yourself imagine a person who has it all. Get specific and be unapologetic about what they’d embody. Don’t hold back. There is no need to deprive yourself of your desires, whether in real life or daydreams.
Take this vision and refuse to settle for anything less. Trust that this person exists and is out there, working through their own shit and patiently waiting for someone just like you.
Lean into the pain as a catalyst for rebirth.
Let the loss of the future you imagined bring you to the precipice of a new beginning. Believe in your capacity to change. Believe in your intuition to know that if it feels easy and right, it is meant for you. Believe in your ability to know when it’s not.
How can you evolve into your most authentic self through this change? And who do you want standing beside you on the other end?
By mid-May of last year, a chance encounter led me to the truest love I’ve ever known: someone who embodies all the qualities I wanted and more. I owe the timing of our meeting and my readiness to dive in headfirst to the clarity gained from outlining exactly what I needed from the next person I’d love.
We celebrate our first year of being together this week, and let me tell you—it’s been more healing and beautiful than anything I could have dreamed up.
I hope these anecdotes are reassuring, even if only in the slightest. I hope that you know you’re worth some sappy ending, too. I hope you find your footing. I hope you come out of this closer to the person you know you can be. I hope that who you’re looking for finds you first, when you least expect it, and exactly when you’re ready.
The following are portions of the journal entries I made amidst my breakup last spring.
March 5th, 2023
I’m really seeing now how this relationship is fundamentally flawed. I can’t give up more, and he doesn’t want to try. I have to work on accepting the end of this. I have to grieve the losses. The could-be’s and unlived futures.
I need to start manifesting my joy, contentment, and future peace and love.
I will find joy amidst and after this.
I will love and be loved, by friends and family.
I will find peace and closure.
I will not go to the depths of sadness.
I am facing this with strength and clarity.
I will be adored, cherished, and deeply loved by someone someday.
They will be enchanted, and I will love them without restraint.
They will be fun, beautiful, kind, and in touch with their emotions.
They will know me, see me, and cherish every part of me.
In the meantime, I will be totally happy on my own.
I will be the brightest I’ve ever burned.
March 14th, 2023
I have to step back and remember that this is a healing period. The growth is there, too, but I can’t fully grow without healing from this loss.
I lost my partner of nearly three years. I lost my best friend. I lost a future I’d been so sure of. I lost certainty in so many ways. I lost the light in myself, buried under self-doubt and deprecation.
I need to heal and find that light, love that light, and live fully with it shining. It’s in the works right at this moment, but change is never instantaneous.
I know that my next love deserves a person who shines as much as they do, unabashedly, unashamed, untethered.
Every day is a new opportunity to show myself kindness, patience, grace, and understanding. If I can find beauty, laugh, and smile at least a little bit each day, I’ll be making progress with every ounce of joy.
I’m ready for the challenge.
March 17th, 2023
I am so proud of myself, of how far I’ve come. I never could have handled this sadness so well in a past life. I would’ve let it swallow me whole.
Now, I carry it with strength and determination to come out the other side a better, wiser person.
I’m on my way.
proof of life!
Pears, new tattoos, cosplaying as pure, Colorado golden hour, arts and crafts, birthdays, and some of the best friends I’ve ever had.
🎧 what I’ve been listening to
(^this one is hitting extremely hard as I face my final few weeks before moving to los Angeles)
